Toilet paper is basically gold now. But its' daddy, the John, might just have gotten a life-changing upgrade.



If you've ever found yourself thinking, "Damn, I wish there was a device that could help me learn more about my butthole" well the University of Stanford has your back (or butt I guess).


A team of researchers at Stanford University developed a prototype smart toilet with four cameras (4!) that can identify users based on their "analprint." (Vice)



"Their prototype mounts to an existing toilet, and uses flush-lever fingerprinting, "analprint recognition" (an incredible phrase, thank you science), and analyzes urine and stool, as well as the speed and timing of your business—all done using two-factor authorization and automatically sent to the cloud."



Now, I'm not sure who would be in the market for this for personal use, but medically if they can detect diseases and abnormalities in the stool that's definitely a useful purpose. Stanford says, "it can detect a range of disease markers in stool and urine, including those of some cancers, such as colorectal or urologic cancers." So it may not be just some more completely useless shit!



The one thing I don't like is that it stores your butthole information on the cloud, "The toilet automatically sends data extracted from any sample to a secure, cloud-based system for safekeeping" Safekeeping of my butthole? Okay, Stanford sounds like someone just has a unique fetish.


This invention calls for jokes, obviously.